The Things That Matter...?
Wednesday, September 23, 2026
Who Does J0E really want for president? Part 'Down Goes The Clown' |
As for *real* life, I've pretty much lost touch with, everybody. Everybody? Everybody.
Stopped talking to The Basement Crew a long time ago, probably sixteen years or so. I did put Shawn Morse back in touch with this chick Laura, and they did wind up marrying, not sure if they're still together but I hope they are. I felt like a regular ol' matchmaker for that one.
Lost touch with most of my musical pals as well, Stevus wound up having kids, his baby mama drove a wedge between us, and he would rather spend time out cavorting on her and using Tinder to cheat, than hang with good time pals, apparently. It wasn't a huge thing but it was like, oh, I see, you can't come over *my* house without her calling and bitching, "Where are you, when are you coming home, how could you have left me here alone with the children", *I* can't go over your place without hearing, "Why aren't we ever alone, when are we going to have time together alone", if we left for even a little bit to go on a walk or go to the store, it was, "You're going to leave me here, with the kids, *alone*... !?". Mind you, I wasn't, going over all the time, being a nuisance, inserting myself into their life or their business, I'd show up, once, every, several months, tops. And less and less frequently due to her always making me feel incredibly unwelcome. It harkened back to when they *didn't* have kids and she'd be like, "You're really going to that show? You're really going to band practice? Blah, blah, blah!", for some reason they both denied this ever happened, but I put up with that shit for over a year, and even when I got with Casey, *she* noticed it too. Forcing her way into the practices only to be bored and angry that *we were practicing*, it was insane. It still is insane, but she's been out of my life for a long time now, so I don't have to deal with it. I blocked him on social media for a while because I was tired of seeing him being performative, it was just getting annoying. He posted some odd thing about how, "I'm just doing it all for muh kids" or something and it just, it bothered me a lot. Not that I don't think he loves his kids, but something about it was just, obnoxious, and off putting. He wound up getting more into wrestling than music, and it's just a scene I want *zero* part of, and something I don't enjoy. He's getting all the, attention or whatever, he hoped to get from music, from that, now. It was never about that for me, the meaningless attention of some, local scene or whatever, that was never going to do it for me. I can't sublimate what I wanted to do with, some other thing, it wasn't *about* some, other thing, it never was. It doesn't make my aim any truer or my, motives any purer, I couldn't care less about that, it's just that, I was never lying, not even that he was, but maybe, especially to himself.
I just remember it was rather telling that he always said he'd rather be popular than rich. Never made sense to me, you could be the most popular homeless failure down at the community cesspool, go ahead, knock yourself out. I don't want to be popular, and I don't want to have to *be* popular just to be, any tiny piece of succesful. But it seems like the time for that sort of thing has long passed, nowadays you have to be popular on some other mediun to even have a chance at a creative endeavor, you have to be an influencer or a TikTokker or whatever, to make music anyone would want to hear. That's just, not me. I wouldn't be popular on any of those mediums, and my heart wouldn't be *in* doing them, either. I feel like whatever it is I wanted to do, whatever it is I wanted to be, that time has passed, and it never happened.
Paul got some wife who *also* doesn't like me, so I stopped seeing him so much, too. That and, when I would make the *colassal* effort to actually go out and see his bands, he would always front me, act like he either didn't know me, or didn't care that I came out to see him. It was really fucked up, and it happened often enough that I still have some hard feelings over it. We tried to make a few musical projects happen, but he is *impossible* to work with. Everything had to be *his* idea, if you came up with something cool, or came in with an idea, he always had some *different* idea to tweak it, and make it *his* idea. It got boring. He was also a rabid attention hog, probably why he needed everything to be his idea, too, but if you were, say, playing keyboard and had a cool line or a cool riff or whatever, he would come over and say, "Let me play something real quick", and then futz about for like a fuckin' *hour*, and anytime you would try to interject or offer an idea or something he'd just keep saying, "Shh, no, *just listen*... " and it's like, dude, we *haaaave* been listening and this has been going on *forever* and all it is, is you *noodling* and faffing about. I showed him a bunch of my solo stuff that I pretty much never showed anybody, and he *shat all over it*. I might be the guy who shits all over everything, but I never did that to *him* or *his* stuff, it was pretty fucked up. I honestly do think a lot of it is, jealousy, I'm not tooting my own horn, but he was mad, that it was good. That's not a friend. That's somebody who doesn't like you. Especially since I was showing him it as ideas for stuff *we all* could work on. It happens to me a lot when I show people my solo stuff, which is why I don't, anymore. Have them tell me it sucks just for them to turn around and be influenced by it or attmept to rip it off, I have enough reasons to be angry, I don't need to add more.
Futzed about with a couple other randos for a while, Kevin Bevis had a project that needed a bassist, I was lured there under false pretenses, told that the goal was to work on covers so we could be out playing shows as quickly as possible. Kevin even told me it was *his* idea to do this. About a week into working on covers, *Kevin* flips out on the other guitarist, Danny, saying crap like, "Oh, this whole playing covers thing to get shows as fast as possible was never even *myyy* idea, I have all these ideas I want to work on, I have all these *solo acoustic songs* I want to play, without any of you!", like, *what*!? I still kept going for a while but just to fuck around, I already knew that thing was dead in the water by then.
I think I mentioned playing "One Headlight" in the last entry, that was a friend of a friend thing that came up, bro from wayyyy back, Chris, posted something on Facebook, yeah, this was long enough ago that I still had a Facebook. I actually responded, thinking, "There's no way in twenty-seven hells that he'll ever get back to me, and if he does, that he'll *ever* consider putting me in touch for the gig!", dead wrong on both counts. But mayne two days before the "show", we find out what was supposed to be a full half-hour set of music, had turned into *one song*, not sure what happened there, never got an answer. They actually picked me up and drove me to the gig, too, it was in, Clinton or Carlisle or somewhere, an outdoor thing, it was pretty cool. I didn't *want* to be picked up because I wanted to play the song and then fucking *dip*, but I think Casey was busy, as well, she was either working or had plans with her gals, or maybe she just didn't want to go. This was about, ten years ago, maybe longer, so I really can't remember. The guys in the band, not even really *a band* because they didn't have a name or anything, were all like, "Hey, cool, thanks a lot! We'll keep in touch, we have a gig in Salem later in the year, blah, blah, blah!", but when I tried to add the singer on Facebook, he never added me. Eventually I blocked his ass, and even later than that I got off Facebook entirely, so it was whatever, but it's like, why even say it? I've tried to look them up since, and they haven't done anything or gone anywhere, I can't remember most of their names at this point, but I knew them then. The singer's name was like, Mike Montaine or some shit like that. They might have thought I was too standoffish or something, and probably I am, but I don't think it's going to get any better, and I do think it will get worse.
I can't even play music alone anymore because it just reminds me that I'm big, fat-fuck failure. There's no reason to be in some shit-ass, weekend warrior dad-rock band, and that's all it would amount to, at this point. I hated that shit, twenty years ago. I have moved to something beyond hate, in the ensuing twenty years. It *has* turned me bitter and spiteful, sick with self-hatred and envy, but it's not like I didn't see it coming. Either you wind up being a success or you wind up being a worthless, useless, completely pathetic failure. I wound up the latter. Never wanted to, but knew I would.
Never made any headway in writing, either. Despite trying. Don't *want* to try anymore, don't want to give people ideas or lines or thoughts that they can reject, just to steal. Again, I'm not trying to big myself up, but I've seen tons of my own neologisms, my bits, my themes and just general sentiments, stuff from scripts I wrote which were rejected, popping up all over the place. When stuff like that was *not* all over the place, before. Even if they haven't stolen piece of my voice, they have literally rejected me and my voice, only to accept me and my voice, *coming from somebody else*, isntead. Again, I have moved *beyond* being pissed off about it, to a place of almost schizophrenic rage, really.
In the immortal words of Corey Feldman, what am I, doing here, do I even matter, what is my, purpose here, should I just keep on getting sadder (and getting *fatter*, as well)? ¶ 7:54 PM 0 comments
Saturday, September 05, 2026
Who Does J0E really want for president? Part 'Missing In Return' |
Updating this thing for no reason. Kinda do *everything* for no reason, at this point.
Most things have been going, whatever.
Haven't done music in a long, long while. Have barely even played at all, even at home alone, in the past few years. It just makes me feel drained and depressed. The last thing I even did with a band was play a rhythm guitar on the song "One Headlight", for a band I wasn't even in, they just needed somebody to fill in for a show, not even a "show" since they only played one song. I "auditioned" for a cruddy metal band but even though they liked the playing, I was "just a bit too old", they *were* all pretty young, so yeah, I didn't think I was going to fit in, and I didn't. Way before that, can't even remember which year at this point, mayyybe 2012(?), I was very briefly in the band Out Loud, we did some recordings and played a single show, a battle of the bands, which I am intrinsically against, but hey, it was a gig. And, we won. We won some kind of free dinner I didn't even go to! Hahaha! Recorded the bassline for the would-be single "Too Long", but I was *replaced* in the video with a younger guy! You can't make this shit up! The other dudes in the band were my age or older anyway, which just makes the whole thing even funnier, to me. The lead singer pretty much got chased off the internet for like, attacking a mentally challenged guy or something, the video somehow went viral, and I totally missed all of it. He took down everything, even his old solo stuff, which is annoying, I'd at least like *some* record of the stuff we recorded, *somewhere*.
I barely leave my house anymore, even for me, it's gotten worse. Don't want to, don't much *need* to, most of the time.
Still with the wife, which is the only good thing, she's pretty much the only "good thing" I've ever had, at any point. She's basically my everything, moreso than ever before.
JJ is still out there somewhere, I'm pretty sure she got married or something? She had like, a decorating business, somebody sent me a link a long time ago, I can't even remember who it was? They like, got in contact with me randomly and were like, "Bustakap, *you're* still alive?" and yadda yadda, but somewhere in there they were like, "Remember that JJ girl you always talked to?" with a link to an interview with her. I don't want to dox her on this thing because I'm certain the people who might see this or potential still somehow check in to this page on the off chance I update it, are *weirdos*, because *I*, am a weirdo! She was right though, all those many moons ago, "Someday we won't even talk anymore and my memories of you will barely exist", she told me. I told her, "Despite any of that, *I* will never forget you", because I'm not usually a guy who forgets people I interact with. Execept of course for forgetting who it even was who informed me of her then-current activities, which even then, *that* itself was probably, like, ten years ago? Maybe closer, but it was a long time ago, anyway. I still am in contact with Lucyfer, she's also married, *three-way married* at that, married to two other people, and they have, at least one kid, I don't know if they have more, I'm really bad with kids, but I think they, don't? I think me and Lucy talking so much definitely put-off JJ back in the day, but I was too, *magoo* to notice any of that, back then. I go back sometimes and read my old writing and holy crap, I hate who I was. I still do hate who I am, but at the very least I do feel I'm a much better person, even if I'm way less personable and probably *come off* as a worse person than I did, back then. I'm just less, up my own ass about my self loathing, even though it wouldn't be apparent if you read my current bullshit. I do at least feel I'm a much better writer, I hate the style I used to have, I don't know, I bet it's hardly any different, but *I* notice a difference, and that's still something. They had a frenemy named Allana(h?) that I grew semi-close with, as well, back in the day we might have done some, camming together.
My old stomping grounds Digital Expressions.nu, got shut down, years back. I saved my diary, but then, *of fucking course*, lost it! No idea where it went! File, gone! All of those entries, all of that writing, the oral history of a punk rock legend, lost to the mists of the internet. I alternate between not caring and being depressed over it, but I do usually stay in the "not caring" lane. I comfort myself with the knowledge that the writing was awful and that the life it was an account of was an utterly unremarkable one, but it was a good place to jog my memory, and bring me back to times and places that I am losing more and more touch with, drifting further from, day by day, eventually I will struggle to even remember the site itself let alone, what I was doing in, March of 2004 or whatever. I still have 'drina on Instagram, too, she's married now, too. Not sure about kids, we just kind of follow each other on Instagram these days, not much interaction, I think the old semi-spark that might have been between us is still too awkward, I only *think* that because, *I* don't have any weird feelings, but maybe she does? Or maybe we're just so different nowadays that there's not much more to say, anymore? I don't know, I'm just trying to spitball here, and the spitball is pretty much in *her* court since *I* would still probably talk to anybody, I say this despite the fact that I pretty much talk to *nobody*, anymore. Isn't it ironic? No, probably not.
Still "in contact" with Kalyn, too, and guess what, *she's married now*, too! Also follow her husband on Instagram, seems like a cool dude. Of course, as with the others, we don't exactly interact much anymore, but I don't think it's down to weird vibes or anything, I think it's just, there's nothing to say, I guess? I don't know, I'm still not, *normal*, I never have been, but I've slid even further into, being myself, or else, who myself is has slipped even further into reclusion. I just feel like a bigger loser than I've ever felt, and it's an *accurate* feeling, considering I have more losses than I previously had, and I'm much older now, meaning I have more reasons to be succcesful than I used to and even less time to ever accomplish anything than before, and if I didn't do it then and haven't done it by now, well, it's highly unlikely I'll get it done in less time, let's put it that way.
Too ugly for videos, too verbose for the written word, too unpopular to cash in on anything. Still here, though. Still kicking around.
Bustakap, *is* still alive. ¶ 8:03 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Item of Interest Number 'Boffo Yocks': |
Tell me what to do, cuz reading minds just kills the mood.
Saw The D-Plan last year at their Boston reunion show, had a great time. I'm fairly certain it's been longer than that since I've written in here, that's the only reason I'm even bringing it up. They played 'Fantastic!', which was just.
I have more to say, always do... ¶ 6:33 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Item of Interest Number '1951':
|
So, it has been some time, I would imagine.
Today is my birthday.
So, like, it turns out I may have alienated somebody... unintentionally, for once.
Oops.
Like, sorry, and shit.
I hope to do something tonight, but I have no idea.
Casey's only working until six, so that leaves us plenty of time to screw and also do something. Or at least screw.
But that shit's just an everyday thang, knowYmean?
¶ 1:00 AM 0 comments
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Who Does J0E Really Want For President Part 'E.O.T.C.': |
Samurai Sacrifice is the band I'm in now. Not too hot on the name, but the sound will grind your mother to dust.
We've got a show on the 16th of this month, which is this Friday. I'm fucking AMPED. For real. I'm playing low-key to save some 'energy' or 'mojo' or whatever for the show, but I'm literally jittering with anticipation. For no good reason, really, but it's good to have that old time feeling back.
Reminds me, I wish when AnyCraze.com got rid of it's 'Magic: The Gathering Card Creation' section, ten years ago or what have you, they had given us users some kind of notice. I had created a lot of stuff and there were some good ideas that I'd like to have access to again. Bastards. I guess I really oughta blame WotC or Hasboro, as they're the ones who 'requested' the site be taken down via the implications of possible legal actions. Bastards.
Presently watching 'End of the Century: The Story of The Ramones'. Sick! Now I wanna sniff some glue.
Not too sure if there's anything else to say... ¶ 1:42 AM 1 comments
Friday, April 09, 2010
Item of Interest Number 'Turkish Twist': |
As he lay upon the table, increasingly unaware that the sword of Damocles drew ever closer.
I've gotten no job offers yet. It's funny but it's also lame and I feel unsure about how I feel, if I can even trust what I think I feel anymore. Maybe.
Muzak has been going well. Got a new band going. It's pretty swell. Once the recordings go live, I'll probably post some sort of link.
I don't even know how I pass the time. It's pretty boring.
MySpace Music has gotten really lame. You can no longer stream songs or entire albums, etc. Now it's '30 second clips', and even those don't work. It used to be an awesome feature. Now it's mega-lame.
There isn't a single decent music streaming site anymore. Lame. ¶ 9:18 AM 0 comments
Monday, March 22, 2010
Item of Interest Number '350125 GO!': |
So, I'd like to just take the time right here to say "Fuck LiveJournal. Fuck it right in the ear!"
...
...
Presently, I am unable to access my LiveJournal. I've kinda forgotten the password. Mostly because back when I got my LJ, the fucking password had to be 80-million characters long and contain 500-thousand numbers and all that shit. I hate when sites give you rules about your password. Fuckers. I especially can't stand when they have a 'minimum character' restriction for passwords. "Password must be at least 12 characters long" and shit like that. Who the fuck are you, website of shit, to tell me what I can and can't have as a password? I choose to take responsibility for my own word of passage, thank you. If I want it to be one character, that's my own stupid problem. It's not like that makes it any easier to figure out. Fuck, it'll make it hard, since nobody would think you'd have a one character password (unless of course they were using a machine/software, in which case it's just a matter of time, no matter how long your password is). The funniest thing, too, is that it's always completely useless sites like LiveJournal or BeSonic that force you to have a password of at least a certain length with at least a certain amount of numbers, while my bank password only has to be longer than three characters and no more than ten. Simple. And that's protecting something people actually want to have access to. Fucking funny.
So, trying to figure out the password, I keep getting fucked by the IP ban for 'failing' too many times to get the correct password. Once again, I don't think even my bank takes these kinds of precautions, and they're actually fucking useful for something.
I wrote on the message boards and even appealed to the site admins with my hideous dilemma: I can't have the password e-mailed to my account because the client that hosted the account I signed up with NO LONGER FUCKING EXISTS. All both of them did was send back to me a link to the FAQ with the standard, pre-fab fucking message saying to click the 'forgot your password?" link and retrieve it from the e-mail account I signed up to the site with. Fucking. Assholes. They never even answered any of my fucking questions. I know they're busy, but they're obviously not too busy to finger and eat their own fucking assholes all day.
I don't wish too much specific harm on too many specific people, but I sure hope whoever is responsible for running LiveJournal, and whoever was ultimately responsible for coming up with and implementing the IP ban system and the 'character minimum' password requirements, totally all get run into by a motorcycle as they try to cross a busy New York intersection. A motorcycle being driven by the asshole forum moderator of the LiveJournal message board. Then they all catch on fire. ¶ 5:51 AM 0 comments
