The Things That Matter...?
Saturday, September 05, 2026
Who Does J0E really want for president? Part 'Missing In Return' |
Updating this thing for no reason. Kinda do *everything* for no reason, at this point.
Most things have been going, whatever.
Haven't done music in a long, long while. Have barely even played at all, even at home alone, in the past few years. It just makes me feel drained and depressed. The last thing I even did with a band was play a rhythm guitar on the song "One Headlight", for a band I wasn't even in, they just needed somebody to fill in for a show, not even a "show" since they only played one song. I "auditioned" for a cruddy metal band but even though they liked the playing, I was "just a bit too old", they *were* all pretty young, so yeah, I didn't think I was going to fit in, and I didn't. Way before that, can't even remember which year at this point, mayyybe 2012(?), I was very briefly in the band Out Loud, we did some recordings and played a single show, a battle of the bands, which I am intrinsically against, but hey, it was a gig. And, we won. We won some kind of free dinner I didn't even go to! Hahaha! Recorded the bassline for the would-be single "Too Long", but I was *replaced* in the video with a younger guy! You can't make this shit up! The other dudes in the band were my age or older anyway, which just makes the whole thing even funnier, to me. The lead singer pretty much got chased off the internet for like, attacking a mentally challenged guy or something, the video somehow went viral, and I totally missed all of it. He took down everything, even his old solo stuff, which is annoying, I'd at least like *some* record of the stuff we recorded, *somewhere*.
I barely leave my house anymore, even for me, it's gotten worse. Don't want to, don't much *need* to, most of the time.
Still with the wife, which is the only good thing, she's pretty much the only "good thing" I've ever had, at any point. She's basically my everything, moreso than ever before.
JJ is still out there somewhere, I'm pretty sure she got married or something? She had like, a decorating business, somebody sent me a link a long time ago, I can't even remember who it was? They like, got in contact with me randomly and were like, "Bustakap, *you're* still alive?" and yadda yadda, but somewhere in there they were like, "Remember that JJ girl you always talked to?" with a link to an interview with her. I don't want to dox her on this thing because I'm certain the people who might see this or potential still somehow check in to this page on the off chance I update it, are *weirdos*, because *I*, am a weirdo! She was right though, all those many moons ago, "Someday we won't even talk anymore and my memories of you will barely exist", she told me. I told her, "Despite any of that, *I* will never forget you", because I'm not usually a guy who forgets people I interact with. Execept of course for forgetting who it even was who informed me of her then-current activities, which even then, *that* itself was probably, like, ten years ago? Maybe closer, but it was a long time ago, anyway. I still am in contact with Lucyfer, she's also married, *three-way married* at that, married to two other people, and they have, at least one kid, I don't know if they have more, I'm really bad with kids, but I think they, don't? I think me and Lucy talking so much definitely put-off JJ back in the day, but I was too, *magoo* to notice any of that, back then. I go back sometimes and read my old writing and holy crap, I hate who I was. I still do hate who I am, but at the very least I do feel I'm a much better person, even if I'm way less personable and probably *come off* as a worse person than I did, back then. I'm just less, up my own ass about my self loathing, even though it wouldn't be apparent if you read my current bullshit. I do at least feel I'm a much better writer, I hate the style I used to have, I don't know, I bet it's hardly any different, but *I* notice a difference, and that's still something. They had a frenemy named Allana(h?) that I grew semi-close with, as well, back in the day we might have done some, camming together.
My old stomping grounds Digital Expressions.nu, got shut down, years back. I saved my diary, but then, *of fucking course*, lost it! No idea where it went! File, gone! All of those entries, all of that writing, the oral history of a punk rock legend, lost to the mists of the internet. I alternate between not caring and being depressed over it, but I do usually stay in the "not caring" lane. I comfort myself with the knowledge that the writing was awful and that the life it was an account of was an utterly unremarkable one, but it was a good place to jog my memory, and bring me back to times and places that I am losing more and more touch with, drifting further from, day by day, eventually I will struggle to even remember the site itself let alone, what I was doing in, March of 2004 or whatever. I still have 'drina on Instagram, too, she's married now, too. Not sure about kids, we just kind of follow each other on Instagram these days, not much interaction, I think the old semi-spark that might have been between us is still too awkward, I only *think* that because, *I* don't have any weird feelings, but maybe she does? Or maybe we're just so different nowadays that there's not much more to say, anymore? I don't know, I'm just trying to spitball here, and the spitball is pretty much in *her* court since *I* would still probably talk to anybody, I say this despite the fact that I pretty much talk to *nobody*, anymore. Isn't it ironic? No, probably not.
Still "in contact" with Kalyn, too, and guess what, *she's married now*, too! Also follow her husband on Instagram, seems like a cool dude. Of course, as with the others, we don't exactly interact much anymore, but I don't think it's down to weird vibes or anything, I think it's just, there's nothing to say, I guess? I don't know, I'm still not, *normal*, I never have been, but I've slid even further into, being myself, or else, who myself is has slipped even further into reclusion. I just feel like a bigger loser than I've ever felt, and it's an *accurate* feeling, considering I have more losses than I previously had, and I'm much older now, meaning I have more reasons to be succcesful than I used to and even less time to ever accomplish anything than before, and if I didn't do it then and haven't done it by now, well, it's highly unlikely I'll get it done in less time, let's put it that way.
Too ugly for videos, too verbose for the written word, too unpopular to cash in on anything. Still here, though. Still kicking around.
Bustakap, *is* still alive. ¶ 8:03 PM 0 comments
